12. Get Real

So, as Maria in the Sound of Music sings, let’s start at the very beginning! We can’t even begin dealing with disappointment until we acknowledge the fact that it exists. Too often, there is a subtle sort of pressure that hangs over Christians – the pressure to be ‘fine’, full of faith and “praisin’ the Lawd”. Okay, so I’m being a bit facetious, but I’m pretty sure you know what I’m talking about: the mask that we wear to church with a big false smile, hiding the depression, pain or disappointment that lies beneath the surface. The perception is that, by admitting that we’re not ‘fine’, it makes us less spiritual or less of a Christian.

That perception is a lie. It’s simply not true.

Jesus experienced emotions like anger, pain and sorrow. By saying we don’t always have it together, we’re not admitting to being unspiritual, we’re simply acknowledging that we are human. Personally, I believe that emotions in themselves are not good or bad, they are what they are – emotions, the overflow of our hearts. What we DO with them is what turns the situation for good or for bad.

I must confess, I really struggle when people say, ‘You shouldn’t be angry’, or, ‘You shouldn’t feel like that’.

It makes it worse. I AM angry, so don’t tell me not to be angry. That will only make me even more angry.

A better response would be, ‘Tell me why you’re depressed/angry… and then we can talk about what to do about it.’

Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry, but don’t sin,” which, to me, indicates that you CAN be angry but not sin, because the line straight afterwards exhorts us not to let the sun go down on our anger or make room for the devil.

So: why don’t we get real and deal with the “I’m fine” scenario straight away. The truth is, it’s okay to not be okay. Personally, I think we should eradicate the words ‘I’m fine’ from our vocabulary altogether. Apart from the fact that it is a mediocre and fairly expressionless word, being ‘fine’ is just pointless. I mean, what does ‘fine’ even mean? The Cambridge English dictionary defines ‘fine’ as being ‘good, or good enough’, while the Longman dictionary gives its meaning as ‘satisfactory or acceptable’. None of those descriptions are particularly inspiring, so why don’t we strike them off our response list right now?

I find it mildly amusing to watch people’s reactions when they ask the obligatory “how are you”, and you give them a ‘real’ answer, such as ‘I’m battling at the moment and finding life quite hard, but I know God is good and I’m learning how to trust Him’. Their first response is usually shock because they didn’t get the typical ‘I’m fine’ response that they expected, usually followed by a slightly awkward pause or some equally awkward platitudes!

It’s even more fun to then ask them how they are doing and watch their expression as they try desperately to come up with something other than ‘fine’ as a response! I know, it’s a bit naughty, but I do like breaking boxes and this is such a great way to get people to step outside of the comfortable but somewhat restricting box that they may be living in. You should try it!

Don’t isolate yourself 

Quite often, when we are feeling disappointed or ‘bruised’ by something that has taken place, our inclination is to withdraw from people and lick our wounds, so to speak.

But isolation is a killer.

Taking time for ourselves to process and press into God is a good thing and it’s healthy. However, if it becomes habitual and turns into a perpetual state of isolation, it can become harmful.

The sad truth is that a lot of Christians withdraw when they’re struggling, not because they don’t want to be around people, but because they seem to think they shouldn’t be with believers when they’re not doing well. They feel ashamed. There is a twisted kind of rationale that says, “I need to sort myself out first and then I’ll get back into fellowship”.

There is a balance that I believe we should try to achieve, between running to a brother or sister in the Lord and offloading all our baggage onto them, and running into the arms of our heavenly Father to receive the help that we need from Him. God must always be our first port of call – He is the only One who knows who we really are and who can speak directly into our situation. However, there is also a place for ‘bearing one another’s burdens’ which is healthy and necessary, if we are to be the family that Father has called us to be.

We need to be okay with where we’re at, and at peace with ‘not being okay’.

We need to let down our guard and let others see us as we truly are.

We need to get real.

Chapter 12 of 1 Corinthians outlines the fact that we are the body of Christ . I love verses 24 to 26, which tell us, “God composed the body, having given greater honour to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another.  And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honoured, all the members rejoice with it”.

Disappointment can drive us into isolation if we let it, but if we take courage and are willing to share our heart with Father God and with trusted friends, there is a wealth of healing and restoration available to us which will release hope into our hearts.

Don’t let your disappointment isolate you; instead, let it cause you to open up your heart and receive healing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until next time ….

Ask yourself, “Have I isolated myself from other people, either knowingly or unknowingly, because of my sense of disappointment?”

If you have isolated yourself, pray and ask Father God to show you who you should reach out to and talk to, and then do that. Be brave! Choose just 1 or 2 people to begin with, and start to share your heart with them.

Nicky Heymans is an author of historical fiction who is known for drawing fresh life and inspiration out of familiar Bible stories. She would love to hear from you! Please feel free to share your thoughts or ask questions by scrolling down to the bottom of this page and clicking on the 'contact' link, and she will get back to you.