32. Going Through the Process

I’ve often wondered how the children of Israel processed their disappointment and the traumas that they faced on their wilderness journey. Psalm 106:24-25 says: “Then they despised the pleasant land; they did not believe His word, but complained in their tents, and did not heed the voice of the Lord.”

I found many similar scriptures stating how much they complained, but then, wouldn’t we have done the same?

I mean, how do you come to terms with the fact that you don’t have a home, and actually won’t have a home, for the next 40 years or so? How do you reconcile yourself to living the next 40 years wondering around a desert with no idea of where you will next make camp or how long you will be there for?

How do you deal with that kind of disappointment? Over the last few years, the topic of ‘processing’ seems to have risen to the forefront of Christian, as well as secular, terminology. We talk about the need to process what has happened in our lives or what God has said to us, and that is true. However, I’ve  found, in discussion with a variety of people, that most of us like the idea of processing, but we don’t actually know what it looks like or how to do it.

Some people believe that processing is simply thinking about their situation a lot. That can be helpful to some extent, although the other side of the coin is that thinking about a bad situation too much can actually have the opposite effect; instead of bringing clarity and release, it can actually turn a molehill into a mountain, which is obviously not helpful.

I believe processing looks different for each person, because we’ve been uniquely created and are wired so differently. However, to be authentic, I‘d like to share with you what processing looks like for me, using the basic steps below, in the hope that you might find it helpful.

·       Choose your environment

Before you begin processing, it’s helpful to choose the right environment in which to do it. There is no ‘one size fits all’, because we’re so different. I like open spaces when I’m processing something, so I’ll usually go for a walk, find a stretch of beach or a hill to sit on. Some people prefer to be in their own homes, or in their bedroom.

Whatever the case, go where you feel comfortable, and turn off any distractions such as radio or television. Then ask yourself the first question:

·       What am I processing?

Now this may sound like a really stupid thing to ask. I mean, surely it’s obvious what you need to process? In reality, it’s not always obvious and it’s wise right at the start to clarify exactly what it is that you are going to deal with.

For instance, someone who feels that ‘their whole life just sucks’ will probably struggle to process that because it’s just way too big. So, it’s best to break it down into ‘bite size chunks’, take one issue at a time and process each one individually. Bear in mind, processing a long list can take a matter of days, weeks or even months, and doesn’t need to be done all in one go. Processing complex issues can be like peeling an onion – there are so many layers and, each time you take another layer off, you find fresh tears being shed!

So, if you are struggling with more than one issue, ask Holy Spirit to help you make a list of all the things you want to process. From that list you can then pick one item at a time to work on. For example, the person who feels their ‘whole life sucks’ might choose one issue; perhaps they hate their job, or they are struggling with a relationship.  

So try and nail it down, be as specific as you can, then, once you are clear about what it is you are processing, you can move onto the next step. Ask yourself:

·       What am I feeling?

For people who are ‘feelers’ and are very aware of their own feelings and thought processes, this might seem simple and somewhat superfluous. But for the more pragmatic types who are not so in touch with their feelings, this can be incredibly difficult. The culture that you were brought up in can also play a huge part in how easy or difficult you find it.

For instance, if someone has been brought up in an American or Brazilian culture, they might not struggle to be open about what they are feeling or thinking as much as someone who has been brought up in a more contained or controlled culture. If someone has been through significant hardship or trauma, that might have caused them to lock up their emotions which, in turn, could make it extremely difficult for them to process their feelings.

If you are someone who struggles in this area, I would encourage you to ask Holy Spirit to help you identify your feelings. He knows us intimately. He understands how we are wired and is fully aware of the deepest thoughts and feelings that we have, so He is the best person to help us work through them. If you have a trusted friend or family member, talk to them. Talking to someone else can help to unlock your thoughts and feelings, rather than battling on your own.

Remember, however, that you are trying to identify specific feelings, rather than facts. For instance, instead of statements like, ‘I don’t like this...’ or ‘I think that’s wrong’, keep going back and asking yourself the question, but what do I FEEL about that wrong thing? How does this make me FEEL?

For those who have been through hardships which caused them to shut down emotionally, having a list of “feelings” words to prompt you can also be helpful. Lists like these are readily available if you google ‘feeling words’. Continuing with our example of someone who hates their job and is fed up with being picked on, they might be feeling frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed or depressed …or a combination of all of these.

·       Own It!

Hopefully by now you know what it is that you’re processing, and you know the feelings it has evoked in you. So, the next step is to OWN IT! The best way of doing that is by speaking it out loud. There’s something very powerful about ‘saying it as it is’.

For example, let’s use the example of the person who feels that their life sucks, and highlight one issue that they are processing – their struggles at work. After thinking about what it is they struggle with and releasing how it makes them feel, they might say,  ‘The way my boss talks to me really makes me angry.’

Get that out! Own it!

Tell yourself, ‘I feel angry.’ Don’t let it sit in your heart like a bloated bullfrog – name it! Call it what it is!

It’s not wrong to feel negative emotions, it’s what you do with those emotions that makes them right or wrong. I mean, have you read the psalms?! King David knew how to own his feelings, that’s for sure!! Getting our negative emotions out by processing them with the Lord and/or with a trusted friend helps to dissipate them, and that’s when we can move on to the last step … but you’ll have to wait for next week to find out what that is!     

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Until next time ….

Follow the steps mentioned above. Start by making a list of the things that you might need to process, things that have been a disappointment or a source of pain in your life.

Ask Jesus to help you choose which one to process first.

Go through the steps.

·       Find a safe place to do your processing

·       Be specific about what exactly you are processing

·       Dig deep until you can put your finger on exactly what that situation made you feel

·       Own the feeling – speak it out, get it out of your heart and mind and into the open.

Then ask Jesus to fill you with His peace.

We’ll go over the final steps in next week’s blog.

Nicky Heymans is an author of historical fiction who is known for drawing fresh life and inspiration out of familiar Bible stories. She would love to hear from you! Please feel free to share your thoughts or ask questions by scrolling down to the bottom of this page and clicking on the 'contact' link, and she will get back to you.