47. Dreamer

I remember feeling sick. A stone lay in the pit of my stomach, along with a sense of immense panic. What was wrong? Why couldn’t I do it?

I was at a creative workshop, in a session focussed on the power of our imagination and our ability to dream with God. The speaker used an analogy based on C S Lewis’s book “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”, brilliantly brought to our screens in the Chronicles of Narnia films. In the film, a large wardrobe was the doorway that led to a hidden world called Narnia, a world of mystical beings, dryads and fauns, talking animals, witches and giants and, of course, the legendary lion named Aslan.

Near the end of the creative workshop, the speaker invited us to close our eyes and, in a symbolic gesture, put our hand out, open the wardrobe door and step into a “new world” as it were, where Father God could take us on adventures and where we would learn to dream bigger dreams with Him.

I listened to the explanation and, when it was time, I closed my eyes and dutifully focussed on the task at hand. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stretch out my hand to open the wardrobe door. It was as though my arm wouldn’t move. It was frozen to my side.

I was shocked and, if I’m honest, more than a little scared. I asked God what was going on and why I couldn’t open the door. He told me so gently that it was because I was afraid; I didn’t want to open that metaphorical door because I was gripped by fear that there might be nothing there. I was afraid to dream, to risk, to hope.

The past year had been intensely painful in so many ways and on so many different fronts. Difficult family situations, my mother’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent passing, painful church situations, financial challenges, health problems and unsettling changes at work, had culminated in one of the most stressful years of my life. Added to that, our move to the United Kingdom had been much, much harder than we had ever anticipated, and 13 years of struggling to ‘get by’ was taking its toll.

I had faced disappointment after disappointment, seen my hopes dashed time after time in many different areas. In fact, I had been through so much disappointment over the years that it seemed I had unknowingly shut down my ability to hope or dream. It was a defence mechanism; if I didn’t have any dreams or hopes, I couldn’t get disappointed when they didn’t happen.

As is often the case when you are going through a hard situation for any length of time, it becomes ‘normal’, a way of life, and you adapt in order to survive. My dreams and hopes for the future found themselves on a very dusty shelf in the smallest, darkest room of my heart, forgotten and neglected, as I chose day by day to just survive and get by.

Using my imagination had always been an important part of my life, although I took it for granted because it came so naturally to me. From a young age, I had had a fertile imagination and would wander off into worlds unknown and mysterious places in my mind. It was second nature to me and, as I grew older, God spoke to me and ministered to others through the gift of imagination that He has given me.

As I grew older, and especially after we moved to the United Kingdom, when a steady stream of trials and disappointments met me head on, I pushed them down and carried on, as you do.

Until that day at the creative workshop.

That moment was a game changer for me because it forced me to face the ‘shut down’ way of life I had unwittingly chosen to adopt. The sense of despair, coupled with the shock of realising that I had lost the ability to dream, hit me like a sledge hammer in the gut. I sobbed my heart out for ages while two beautiful friends prayed for me, and spoke life and fresh hope over me.

I remember trying to think of things that I would love to do, the dreams in my heart. A few years before I probably would have been able to rattle off a ‘bucket list’ of things I wanted to do before I 'kicked the bucket', such as travelling to various countries, going on a cruise, going to Israel where Jesus walked, owning our own home again. But I couldn't do that any more. My mind was absolutely blank. All I could think of was ‘”I just want to be able to pay the bills, keep going, and get by”.

That day was the beginning of a long process of restoration and unravelling. It was wonderful and painful in equal measure but, like everything that Father does, it turned out for good. So good!

In these last few Walking Through Wilderness blogs, we will be focussing on the topic of dreaming and the power of hope. So, if you are struggling to dream like I was, lift your head up, look to this fresh new year, and let hope rise in your heart.

By the way, if you haven’t seen the Chronicles of Narnia movies, I recommend you watch them – they are really good!

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Until next time ….

Something to think about: if someone asked you what some of your dreams in life were, or what is on your ‘bucket list’, could you tell them?

If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you to start a list of things you dream about doing, places you would love to go to, and things you would like to experience. Let your imagination run wild!

Nicky Heymans is an author of historical fiction who is known for drawing fresh life and inspiration out of familiar Bible stories. She would love to hear from you! Please feel free to share your thoughts or ask questions by scrolling down to the bottom of this page and clicking on the 'contact' link, and she will get back to you.